Is it necessary to feel indebted to your parents? The answer is, a resounding ‘No’. You do not need to feel this way. There can be several reasons why you feel so. Your parents can make you feel this way. The society you thrive in can put you in such situations or maybe it is a cultural perception. However, this feeling of unworthiness and being a selfish child can be resolved with proper guidance and therapy.
Table of Contents
Why do you not need to feel indebted to your parents?
You owe your family absolutely nothing- Agree or disagree?
Are we morally required to repay our parents for raising us?
Should parents stop treating their children as if they owe them?
Why are you feeling indebted to your parents?
How can feeling indebted to your parents hurt you?
How to stop feeling indebted to your parents?
Why do you not need to feel indebted to your parents?
Debts are transactional, whereas, a parent-child relationship is not transactional. They gave you birth. It was their choice. They made the decision to have a child, raised you, handled your expenses, educated you and so on.
In many cases, they are incompetent at taking care of the child properly. Everyone is liable for their actions and so are your parents. It is the responsibility of every parent to take care of their children but it’s not mandatory vice-versa.
Many kind parents believe and practise that their children do not owe them anything. It is kindness to take care of the parents when they are old, not a compulsion. Eventually, it is an individual’s choice whether they want to take the responsibility of their parents or not. The children have no control or agency towards this decision, so they can not be liable to take care of the parents if they do not want to.
Some Questions That Might Be Bothering You
Do I owe my family absolutely nothing?
The answer to this question lies in your approach towards life and your previous experiences. Whether or not you owe something to your parents can be a very difficult question to answer depending on your surroundings. Societies and culture play a major role here. The answer to this question can be very personal and subjective.
Children who grow up in individualistic societies tend to feel less obliged towards their family than the ones who had a collective upbringing. There is no right or wrong to it, it is just a universal conundrum.
Children from individualistic societies tend to have less guilt towards the feeling of indebtedness because their culture puts an individual at the forefront. They usually do not feel burdened or obliged towards the family and choose their own path.
On the other hand, it differs greatly in a collective culture which puts the community higher than the individual. societal responsibilities, family and brotherhood are the core values. A child growing up in such cultures can feel burdened by the roles and responsibilities that society puts on them. Such children often grow up feeling indebted to their parents and could disagree with the idea of not owing the family anything. Arguing against it can put you in isolation from other people.
Are we morally required to repay our parents for raising us?
We are not necessarily required to repay them, but extending gratitude and support is a good thing. The repaying here does not necessarily mean in terms of money or resources but empathy and care. It is important to understand that your parents play a major role in you deciding this. However, if you’ve had a bad relationship with your parents and you want to stay away from them for your own good, then it does not make you an immoral child at all. Let that sink in. It is equally important to have a conversation with your parents regarding their expectations and how much you want to share with them in terms of roles, responsibilities and resources.
Do parents need to stop treating their children as if they owe them?
Yes, parents need to stop treating their children as if they owe them. If they constantly treat them in such a manner, it leads to a very strained relationship with their child. Such behaviour eventually results in a situation where the child ends up feeling unworthy and disowned. Such relationships never develop a strong and trustworthy bond among the two parties. This creates feelings of indebtedness, guilt and resentment and has a very negative impact on the emotional and mental well-being of the child.
Parenting is a difficult but the most unique behaviour. It is based on unconditional love and support never expecting something in return. They need to understand that their child is another individual with his or her perspectives, life, dreams and aspirations. Once they realise this and stop treating them as a form of transactional entity, things drastically change. Any form of relationship thrives when there is mutual respect, care, open-mindedness and a lot of trust. Such is the relationship of a parent and child. If it is anything otherwise, it can not be healthy, and you have every moral and legal right to walk out of such a situation.
A parent-child relationship is based on love, nurture and support. Ideally, it is the purest form of utmost care, where the parent does everything for the child without knowing how the child will behave with them at later stages of life. Despite that, they focus on their nurturing without caring about the result. If a healthy relationship develops among the two parties, the child will respect and care for them even without the parents asking for it.
The parents need to understand that children can not succumb to their emotional baggage of constant guilt.
Why am I feeling indebted to my parents?
You might often feel like you owe your parents money and care even though you do not like the way they are. The reason why you feel this way is because of your parents themselves. You are most probably feeling this way because your parents traumatised and brainwashed you during your upbringing.
Parents provide care and financial support to their children for education, shelter and daily expenses. They often sacrifice their growth and better career opportunities to take care of their child. It is natural to feel a sense of indebtedness if anyone helps and sacrifices for you this way.
Families that actively seek feedback from the little ones develop a very strong bond among themselves. It is a very emotional state of mind to feel this way because of the care and emotional bond with the parents.
However, in most of the cases, the feeling of indebtedness is directly correlated with trauma and negativity. One or most of the senior family members may behave in ways that result in the child having feelings of extreme guilt over their actions. They may feel like they owe them a great deal of financial debt because they raised them.
This is often true in families having higher levels of difference in thoughts, constant arguments and fights. In such situations, the children are never allowed to make mistakes or take a path of their own. Instead, they are constantly blamed, abused and traumatised throughout their upbringing.
They might say things like if we did not raise and educate you, you might have ended up on the streets. This way, the parents are themselves responsible for the children feeling indebted. This leaves the child thinking that they need to make amends and repay their parents because of whatever little good they did for the child. This often results in a long span of emotional and mental trauma.
Nevertheless, it’s not always the parents, the people surrounding you can also impose such thoughts in your mind. You might have rationality and think that your parents are responsible for you. But this perception can be moulded by the society that you live in. They might manipulate you into thinking that your parents sacrificed everything for you. The least you can do is owe them a retirement.
How can feeling indebted to your parents hurt you?
Guilt: You may have feelings of constant guilt and anxiety. Things can become overwhelming and affect you emotionally.
Frustration: If your parents force you into doing as they tell you to do, you feel a strong sense of obligation and moral duty, which is just unnecessary, but this leads to frustration as you are unable to live life on your terms.
Strain: Such abusive behaviour creates a strained relationship between the parents and you. You are never able to express your opinions or make your own decisions.
Self-esteem: If you have constant guilt and trauma that you owe someone something, even your parents, you end up feeling less of yourself. You feel that you are incapable of doing things on your own.
Confidence: This can further lower your overall confidence levels and hurt you emotionally.
Indecisiveness: If you feel indebted to your family members, this directly affects your ability to make rational decisions. You are always afraid of losing or taking risks in your personal life. The stress of upsetting them greatly affects your personal growth, always making you feel trapped.
Growth: If you do as are asked by the parents, you might end up having a hindered growth as you will miss opportunities because of the burden of responsibilities that they put on you.
How to overcome feeling indebted to your parents?
Normalise it: Understand that it is very natural to feel indebted to your parents because they provided you with everything like love, care, support and resources till you become independent.
Gratitude: Shift your focus from the feeling of overwhelming owe and indebtedness to being grateful. At the end of the day, they are your parents, they are the ones who raised and cared for you. Start with expressing gratitude towards them and appreciate them.
Talk: Try to have open discussions with your folks about the way you feel. Maybe tell them that they are the reason you feel indebted. Share your concerns, fears, and aspirations and listen to their perspective. They might be able to understand and provide assurance on how to overcome this sense of indebtedness.
Take responsibility: It is your own life ultimately. You are liable for your feelings and decisions. Build boundaries with your parents regarding financial and personal decisions. Once you are self-reliant, you will be able to overcome or reduce this feeling of indebtedness effectively.
Seek help: If nothing else is working in your favour and your feelings of indebtedness persist after making every amendment you could, you can consider getting professional help. A good therapist or counsellor might be able to get you out of this situation.
It is normal to feel a sense of gratitude, respect, care, empathy and responsibility towards your parents. They are your parents, they raised and nurtured you. However, it is not good to feel indebted or overburdened. If you feel this way even after trying everything from gratitude to therapy and are still not able to overcome the feeling of indebtedness to your parents in any manner. Then, it is better to build boundaries and separate your life and decisions from parents. The best way to start building emotional and financial boundaries is by taking advise from a professional therapist.